I feel I've loved you forever
by Abby Lockhart
Summary: Post 8x07 UPDATED Sara's Journey..Will she return? UPDATED again! Grissom Searches for Bruno!
1. Chapter 1

**Oh My Goodness. Shes gone, shes really gone! I cant believe it. It was so sad and I ..just cant believe it! I'll admit I shed a tear..ok i shed a bucket load!! Im really upset shes gone, just the thought of CSI without Jorja seems..pointless.. No Jorja No Sara No GSR No CSI! I know alot of people are saying they wont watch again but personally I dont know yet.. It just doesnt seem to appeal to me right now. I think I just had my heart broken for the first time. **_**For the people who wanted it : The letter is included in this story.**_

**Summary: I have to admit I'm a little proud of this drabble. Its Grissoms POV. Its about him knowing all along how he would end up hurt. How his life started to turn into something it should have never been. I hope to write a few more drabbles like this while im feeling so down. So let me know what you think.**

_Gil,_

_You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forvever. _

_Lately I haven't been feeling very well, truth be told I'm tired. Out in the desert under that car that night, I realised something and I havent been able to shake it. Since my father died I spent almost my entire life with ghosts, we've been like close friends and out there in the desert it occured to me that its time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going but I know I have to do this. If I dont I'm afraid I'll self destruct and worse you'll be there to see it happen. Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only. I'll miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you. I always will. Goodbye._

Alone. In his dark office. Grissom sat amongst the shadows. She was gone. Just like that. Why didn't she take him with her? He wasn't sure he knew what was going on, he read the letter but it was just words. What did they mean? Had she left him? He sat numb in his chair, the chair he sat in everyday. The chair he had sat in whilst Sara was sat on the identical one, the opposite side of his desk, everyday whilst they discussed work, their cases, where to go for dinner. He picked up the letter and read it again. He read the words "I feel I've loved you forever." over and over, he grit his teeth, angry at himself for wasting so much time. For taking so long to decide to take a chance on her. It turned out the right thing to do. Although he knew she would hurt him one day. You cant love someone so much and not get hurt. He always thought that true. And now she had proved it to him, he was thankful for that. He was right all along. He had loved her for nine years of his life and her leaving him proved a man like him couldn't afford to take a chance like the one he had taken. He wasn't meant to feel like this. He was meant to be Gil Grissom, Doctor. Emotionally detatched. Lives for his job. But that chance he had been so wary about taking had bit him in the ass. Finally. They were happy. He should have known it was coming, he should have known he was being lulled into a false sense of security. He was being teased with what life could be like for him, what his life shouldn't have ever turned out to be. Then it was taken away. And he was back to himself. But changed forever. They say 'You don't know what you've got until its gone.' But he knew all along.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary: This one is Sara's POV as shes going/gone. It pains me to write this.. **

Sara wondered what he would make of her letter. She knew he could never hate her and that made it even harder to leave. If he could get angry with her, if he could push her away, if he could hurt her in anyway. It would have made it easier to walk away from him. To leave him. Leave everything they have together. But he stood there, baffled when she kissed him in the middle of the lab. She knew it would set off alarm bells for her to act so irrationally. She prayed he wouldn't follow her. He didn't. She had left soon after and not looked back. What would she do if he rang her? She didnt really know how she had left their relationship. She didnt ask for forgiveness in her letter, maybe she didnt deserve it. She knew what she was doing was unforgivable, he had done it to her. She didnt ask him to wait for her. She didnt know if she was going back. She wished she had been able to kiss him just one more time, but for every thought, for everytime she saw him, or heard him it broke her down. It broke down her want to leave. Until there was no want left. All that was left was need. She needed to leave. She needed to make everything alright. Bury the ghosts. She wasnt sure she ever could. And if she didnt she would never see him again. She knew that. She would be stupid enough to punish herself. She had got sick of having empathy for others, it was her strongest quality but now it was gone. Why should she have empathy? No one had any for her. Apart from him. Now she was lost but it was right. It was what was supposed to happen. She couldnt be happy until she stopped being sad. She just hoped it wouldnt take too long.


	3. Chapter 3

Gil Grissom rolled over in his bed. The covers tangled with his legs and were hanging down off the bed and onto the floor, providing him with no comfort what so ever. They were however providing comfort for Bruno who had tried to squeeze as much of his body onto the edge of the duvet as he could. Gil tried to pull the covers up and when they didnt move he looked over the edge of the bed in a sleepy, blurry eyed state. Since Sara had left Grissom had tried locking the dog in the kitchen during his sleeping hours, but Bruno had scratched at the door and whined so much he had soon let him out. Every night when Grissom came home he would find something else to be destroyed. Bruno had tore the sofa, dug up the edge of the carpet and chewed it, he had shredded shoes, chewed table legs and finally jumped up onto the window ledge, knocking a picture of Gil and Sara onto the floor and smashing the frame that housed it. The poor animal had become destructive since Sara left, the one who used to take him running with her, who would talk to him when Grissom was at work, the one who persuaded Grissom to let him sleep on the bed. Since she had been gone he had been ignored, he hadnt had a walk. Grissom just didnt have time. He knew himself that Sara would be appalled with him so he decided it was only fair to find Bruno a new home with a family. Rather than a hermit. He felt he should ask Sara, an excuse to try her cell phone again. Her phone had been turned off every day when he tried. At least if she did answer he would have something to say, otherwise he was afraid he wouldnt be able to stop himself just sobbing down the phone to her. He dialled her number. The phone was still off. He was disappointed but equally relieved.

Grissom looked over at his clock, it was only 11 am. He had only had a couple of hours of disrupted sleep but it was enough. He didnt need sleep. Sleep opened up the mind to thoughts and feelings which came to him as dreams that he couldnt control. His cruel mind tricking him into believing she was back or she hadnt left at all. But when he woke up behind closed eyelids and reached out to the cold, empty side of the bed he knew she was still gone. Probably not coming back. Each time he cried for her, he reminded himself not to let it happen again. _Dont set yourself up to be hurt. Dont trust. Dont share. And certainly dont love._

Sara had left, honestly not knowing where she was going. She knew her ghosts would guide her to where she needed to lay them to rest. She found herself in the center of her home town, Tomales Bay. She wasnt suprised to find everything as she left it that day. The day she was driven away in a police car and straight to a string of foster homes. She walked out of the town and eventually came to the small street she grew up in. She stood in front of her childhood home. The only home she had known until she had been at home with Gil. She looked at the cars on the drive way, she wondered if the family that lived there knew what had happened in the master bedroom on the 5th of August 22 years previously. Stood there looking in from the sidewalk she felt 13 years old again. Knowing that waiting outside she might miss todays fights but that going in late may cause more.

As she turned to walk away she though about her fathers funeral. She was supposed to go, she wasnt allowed. She was placed in a home with about 10 other teens so it was easy for her to run away, she had caught two buses and got to the cemetary as the gathering was leaving. She couldnt go too close though, someone might recognise her and drag her straight back to her new home. She didnt really want to see her father's coffin being lowered into the ground in front of her anyway. She had stood there and prayed for things to go back to normal - they didnt.

She got moved from one foster home to another until she was 18 and left for college. By then people had stopped recognising her as the girls whos Mom killed her Dad. People had forgotten. It was in college she had rebelled. She hadnt been able to rebel during her teen years, there was no one to rebel against, nobody cared. She had drank too much, smoked a hell of a lot, and had her fair share of boyfriends and one night stands but she was always on time for class, always got good grades and was always inspired to make a career for herself and make something of her life.

Sara realised she had done just that. She was damn good at her job, she had helped put alot of bad people behind bars, helped alot of families find out what happened to their loved ones, she had made a life for herself and Gil. They had a house, a dog, they were going to get married. But she had left him because until now she didnt realise how far she had come. But she knew she was far from healed and there was someone she needed to see. She had questions that couldnt wait any longer.


	4. Chapter 4

_Gil, I'm sorry I left how I did but i had to go. I knew if I spoke to you, without meaning to, you would talk me out of it. I know this is the right thing to do, either this or let my ghosts destroy our relationship and that would in turn destroy me. You deserve better than that. I just thought I owed you an explanation and this is the best I could do right now. I would love a reply, but I understand if you don't feel you can. You understand why I cant call you or take your calls, not yet anyway. Stay safe. I love you more than anything. Sara x._

Gil put the letter down on his desk. He took off his glasses and rested them on top of the letter. He was relieved to finally hear from her again and thinking of him but was also left confused. Was this letter saying she would be coming back or confirming that she wouldn't? Was this asking him to hold on for her or let go and move on? He noticed she had addressed it to the lab, predicting he would throw himself into his work once she was gone. She knew him. Instantly he wanted to put pen to paper and reply but on doing so he found himself stumped as to where to start.

_Dear Sara, You should notice I'm getting better at writing emotionally charged letters. _

_Firstly, I love you too. More than you can ever know. I wanted to let you know that I wouldnt have stood by and watched you melt down - you know I would have helped you if you had let me. You could have talked to me, told me that you wanted to leave. I know what you are thinking.. Thats rich coming from me. But I wouldnt have forced you to stay, I would never force you to do anything you didnt want to.You have been gone for 730 hours and I miss you more with every second that ticks by. I hope you are feeling better or at least getting there. Please keep in touch, let me know where you are and that you are safe. I love you and miss you. Gil._

Sara wiped her eyes as a tear dropped onto the letter she held in her hands. He still loved her. She didnt doubt it for a minute but the words that he had written confirmed it. She could tell he had struggled with that letter and he was frustrated with her for not talking to him but he had been careful in his letter not to upset her incase she went off radar again. The last thing she wanted from all this was to hurt that poor man but she just needed quiet in her head for good and this was the only way to silence her ghosts. Lay them to rest. One by one.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary: **Sara's Journey  
**AN:** Wonderfully beta'd by Elizabeth aka Sara-Sidle-csi-3, thankyou hunni I know you've been real busy i really appreciate it! x**  
**

It took me a while to track her down, I had to call in a few favors, break a few laws. Anyway I found her and now I'm here knocking on the door of her trailer. Whilst I'm waiting for a response I'm scared. Scared I won't recognize her, scared she wont recognize me. I'm scared she will make things more confusing for me and not give me any answers and .. My fears are interrupted as the glass door squeaks open, and there stands an middle aged woman, dressed in a long woolen sweater, long wavy red hair just the same as it was last time I saw her. I want to cry. She stands staring blankly at me and I think she knows who I am, and the look on her face changes to recognition, then shock, then she looks like she will cry too. I'm unsure what to say and I'm scared to speak incase my voice breaks with the tears I'm holding back. I spent so many years hating this woman for ruining my childhood but I couldn't help but still love her.

"Sara?" Her voice croaks. I step back looking at the floor, unsure why I even came or what I want from her. I want to say something but I'm unsure what to call her.. Mom? Laura?

"Hi." I stare at her, she raises a hand and puts it over her mouth. I want to vomit when I realize that's one of the hands she used to kill my Dad. She sees my unease and comes outside, sitting on the steps leading up to her door. I eventually sit next to her, not too close.

"I cant believe you're here." She stares at me, lifts a hand like she's going touch me but drops it again when she sees me stiffen. "Its been so long, Sara." Her eyes look tired, the wrinkles around her eyes and mouth show a life time of distress, she still has the scar above her eyebrow my Dad gave her, its hidden behind a thin fringe of wispy hair.

I still don't say anything, all the times I'd imagined meeting my Mother again I never expected not to be able to find words. I wasn't sure what I wanted from her and how this was going to help me.

"I'm not here to forgive you." I blurt out. The words came out of my mouth without even asking my brain for permission.

"I don't expect you to, Sara." I can feel her looking at me as I stare at the neatly brushed path before us. "I.. I'm sorry." I shake my head, does she expect that to make it all okay? After a long pause she opts for small talk. "Where do you live?" She asked.

"Las Vegas." I reply, wanting her to ask if she wants to know more.

"Married? Kids?" I smirk, thinking of Gil. And shake my head. Then I realize I don't want her to feel sorry for me. "Engaged." She smiles and pats my hand, I see confusion pass over her face as she notes the lack of a ring. She probably thinks I'm lying but I don't care.

"Does he take good care of you?"

"He doesn't beat me if that's what you mean." I chastise myself for being so harsh but I cant help it.

"I didn't.. I.. What does he do for a living?" She nervously plays with her hands, like she used to when my Father was giving her a hard time, right before he would go into a rage.

"Law enforcement.. We both do." She looks up at me, she seems surprised, like I've chosen my career to spite her.

"Police?" I shake my head.

"Crime Scene Investigation." She nods slowly, probably thinking back to the men in white suits that swarmed into our house that night, as we were both taken away our separate ways.

"You must see some.. terrible things?" I nod in response. I want to tell her that she prepared me for that, she created the worse scene I could have ever seen, and no crime scene since had affected me even half as much, not even the most gruesome and violent murders compared to seeing my own father lying in a spray of his own blood. As a kid when I saw my Mom with a shiner on her face or bruises on her arms or body I wondered what she had done wrong, what she had done to deserve it. I thought it was the same in all families. Daddies were in charge. I was never scared of my Dad, he never hurt me and I never knew he hurt my Mother because he couldn't control his temper, not until he was dead.

"I just need some closure on.. this." I say making eye contact for a few seconds. "I came home, Dad was dead and I got.. dragged away and never got an explanation or.." I shrug shaking my head. "I just wanna know what happened that day I guess... then maybe I can finally put it behind me." I lace my fingers together and wait for her to start talking. When she doesn't I look at her to see her wiping away tears.

"You must have been so scared, you were always such a shy child, foster care must have been a daunting place for you." I blink in response, really not wanting to go into that now. When I don't answer she thinks about what I asked her. "He had been out after work for a few beers, he came home and started ranting at me for the house being untidy.. I remember him chasing me into the bedroom.. he pinned me against the wall and I just grabbed the nearest.. it was a marble ashtray, you're Grandmother's, I hit him with it, and I kept hitting him until he stopped hurting me.." She put her head in her hands. "The rest is.. a haze.." She shook her head. I knew that if this was a case I was working on I would immediately claim it was self defense and feel pity for the beaten wife. But the abuser, he was my Dad. Whatever he did, he was still my Dad.

I don't know why but in that moment I felt guilty for hating my mother for so many years. It could have easily been the other way round, my Dad could have killed her and then I would have hated him. And I would have felt guilty for not telling anyone that he was beating her. Either way, this was how my life was mapped out. I was supposed to go into foster care, focus on my education and nothing else. Take the line of work that I did and ultimately meet Gil. I smiled. I wanted to talk to him right now.

"Thanks for your time.. Mom." I stood up and walked away. She called after me for a contact number. I searched my pockets knowing I wouldn't find my card there. I looked at her and shrugged. "I'll call you." Knowing I wouldn't. I kept walking, out of the trailer park and searched for a way out of this town.

-

As I sat in the back of a cab, I reached into my jacket pocket and pressed speed-dial 1. Gil. He answered groggily and I realized he would have been sleeping.

"Hi Gil."

"Sara?" By the utter surprise in his voice I knew he hadn't looked at the caller I.D before picking up, either that or he had deleted my number.

"It's me." I cry, unable to hold back for any longer.

"Are you okay? Where are you?" He asks, I think of the look on his face and it only pains me more. What had I done?

"Can I come home?" I sob down the phone. The cab driver probably thinks I'm crazy by now but I don't care.

"Where are you? I'll come and get you." I can hear him breath down the phone as he waits for me to answer with his mouth agape.

"I'm on my way to the airport, I don't have a flight booked or anything but I just wanted to check.. you know.. I wanted to make sure I hadn't ruined everything.."

"Sara, I love you. You could never change that, please just come home."

"I'll go and see when the next flight to Vegas is and if I can get on it I'll call you.. okay?" I'm tired and lonely and I want nothing more than Grissom to hold me for hours. My journey hasn't been as long and treacherous as I expected. I didn't think I would be ready to go home for weeks and maybe months, I thought I would need to visit every single person involved with the investigation, foster carers and child protection officers. But it was easier to let go than I thought. Before I was angry. Angry that I got no explanation. And it wasn't even Laura's version of events that turned things around for me. It was my realization that if none of this had happened things would have been very different. I wouldn't have become a CSI and I certainly wouldn't have chased Gil Grissom for 7 years and wound up engaged to him.

"Ok Sara. I love you so much, I.." He pauses, I don't think he even knows what he wants to say.

"I love you too, I'll call you." We say our goodbyes and hang up. I can't believe its been over a month since I last saw him, kissed him, spoke to him. I'm overwhelmed that he has waited for me, I never asked him to but I knew he would, that's what made leaving him so hard. He would have waited for me forever if I'd never gone back and the thought of him alone..killed me.

I paid the driver and rushed into the airport. I searched screens for times to Vegas, I decided it would be easier to talk to someone. The lady behind the desk told me there were three flights a day running from San Francisco to Las Vegas and that with it being mid-week she should be able to fit me in no problem. She tapped away at her computer for a while asking me for details etc, I paid and she handed me a bunch of stuff I didn't even take notice of.

"You best hurry, your flight starts boarding in ten minutes." She smiles, as if she knows of my desperation to get home. Is it that obvious.

"Thanks." I reply simply, and round the corner where I practically sprint to my boarding gate. I think about ringing Gil but there really isn't any time. It will be a nice surprise for him, although by the time I get back he will have left for work. I sigh, wanting nothing more than to sleep all over him on our uncomfortable couch and knowing my look he will take three double shifts in a row.

I board my plane and I'm finally on my way home.

**A quick review would be v v v much appreciated :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Something quick and from Grissom's POV. Not beta read so mistakes are my own.**

I can't believe she's coming home. I feel like I should do something to prepare for her homecoming but everything is the same as the day she left. The house is still tidy, the refrigerator is still stocked up, her clothes are washed and ironed and neatly stacked in her wardrobe just how she left them. I look out of the window over the neatly mown lawn and smile to see even the garden looks tidy. My smile soon fades when I realise. Bruno. Sara doesn't know he's gone. I start to panic, I dont want anything to upset her whilst shes still fragile. I dont want anything to make her leave me again, ever! I grab the phone and call the lab. I pray that Judy is in today. After asking around for me, she found Bruno a new home with one of her neighbours.

"Good Morning Las Vegas Crime Lab." Judy's chirpy tone was like music to my ears.

"Judy! It's Grissom. Listen, I need the number of those people you know who I gave Bruno to." Theres a pause, and I thought it would be easier to remind her. "My dog."

"Err.. I don't have the number but they live a few doors down from me.. But Dr. Grissom.. I don't think they have him anymore, at least I havent seen him for a while." She confessed. Panic. The only word to describe how I felt. I needed to find that dog and pretty damn quick. I jotted down the address given to me by Judy and thanked her, wishing she had told me all this sooner.

I jumped in the car and went to interrogate the neighbours about my dog. I can't believe I ever gave him away. Stupid. Stupid stupid idea. What an idiot. I finally arrive at the house and although the driveway is empty I pray silently, for the second time that day, that someone will be in. I ring the bell, my finger bending backwards with the force I pressed the small button. No answer. I look through the window, maybe expecting to see Bruno inside. I cant see him but I can see shredded furniture, chewed table legs and scratched wallpaper. No doubt he has been here. I feel a pang of guilt, he's tore someone else's house up.. God knows where he has been dumped now.

The dog pound. Its a long shot but I go to the nearest one I can think of. I've never been here before, we had a crime scene just down the road once and that was the first time I noticed it. When I get out of the car I can hear the barks and whimpers of a hundred miserable animals, I hope Bruno is one of them. I walk up to the counter where a young girl sits flicking through a dog orientated magazine.

"Hi, I'm wondering if you have any male Boxer dogs here?" Im not too specific, right now I'd settle for a look-a-like and hope that Sara wouldn't notice.

"I can find out for you. One moment please." She tapped away at the computer, her index finger twirling round as it searched for the 'X' key. I'm tempted to reach over and press it for her when she finally discovers it. "Yes Sir. We have one boxer male. Would you like to see him."

"Please." I nod. Its got to be him. My life would be perfect if it was. Please God, please. The girl grabs a leash and I follow her. As we round a corner, there are bits of fluff being blown through the gaps in the cage bars from one pen. I peek round to see a dog shaking its blanket between its jaws. When it becomes aware of my presence it drops the blanket and comes trotting over. I can see its him. Relief washes through me like nothing I've felt before.

"He's only been here a few days. It's not often we get pure breds here." She goes in and attaches Bruno to his lead. "Hank was brought here as his family weren't able to cope with his energy levels." Hank? HANK? Who calls a dog Hank? What was wrong with the name Bruno? How dare they change his name.

"Ha..ha..Hank?" I try to laugh but am appalled by the choice of name.

"Yea." The girl smiled nervously, probably wondering what the hell was up with this weird guy. She brought him out and Bruno jumped all over me. "Aww look at that, like old buddies." She smiled. If only you knew.

"I'll take him." I nod, waiting for her to hurry up and tell me what I have to do.

"Ok, well if we bring him through and fill in some paperwork and take a donation from you." Anything, whatever you want, just hurry up. Sara might have called whilst I've been out and I stupidly had forgotten my cell phone in the panic.

Half an hour later and a big wad of cash lighter I open the trunk of the Denali but change my mind. "You can ride upfront with me today, boy. Take it as an apology." Bruno skipped around at the end of his leash seemingly unphased by our separation. To him an adventure.

As we get home I let him out of the passenger seat, he trots to the front door before I can grab him. He seems to be the same dog he was a few weeks ago so hopefully Sara wont have to know. She would never forgive him. Especially if she found out he ended up in a pound.


End file.
